okstupid: go home cupid you're drunk

So I started filling out an OkCupid profile the other day. I can just imagine your face as you read this, and you should have seen the look on your face. You were throwing so much shade. One of those "mhmm, okay, suuure... faces." You know, with the puckered lips, slanted  rolling eyes, and hips sticking out to the right. So much attitude, all that's missing is a z-snap . But ya, okay, who am I kidding? You caught me. I’ve had this shit forever. Like you don't have an online dating profile. Okay about 76% of you bitches, and I use the word as a term of endearment and just for the closest of friends, but a majority of you bitches just lied. I am not believing it for a second. Statistics don't lie!!! Anyways, at this point I have had an account for so long I don’t know whether or not to take it seriously or if it is just a complete joke directed toward me. I’ve even developed and experimented with strategies on how to fill out a profile, formulating and hypothesizing the perfect way of filling one out. Right down to the photo caption. Where is my lab assistant and microscope, to help find my dignity. 

It is still however a work in progress, obviously, because I am still *coughsinglecough.* An independent woman. Thats right. Throw yo hands up at me, all you sexy mommas who profit dollas. I don’t even know what the fuck that means, but can I just say one thing? There is so much talk from Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle. About how they are strong fierce diva menstruating warriors who need NO support from a man. You know why? You see that necklace they are wearing? Well, they bought it. Probably with all the money from one of their multi-platinum award winning albums. Not even mentioning their solo careers. Also from them, in their own words, “I depend on me.”  You know what, girl you better with all the money you are making. Shit.

But you and I both know not to believe that line for one minute. We both know there would be some HELLA dramatic eye rolls and larger than life sighs, for sure, if their man didn’t get them some shit from time to time. Ladies, I’ve heard your song “Cater 2 U.” Make up your minds. Are you a single lady that needs a ring on it? No, because you've probably already bought it. Thats according to you. Lastly, and just as a side note. Question: but why do they preface all their questions in that song by stating “question:"? Just indicate you are asking a question, like every other normal human being, with a different inflection in your voice. I mean I know you are singing it, but I think your listeners are smart enough to understand it is a question. It is not that deep.

Speaking of deep... When filling out an OkCupid profile there is the section entitled, “I spend a lot of time thinking about....” I think it should be called, “ This is how pretentious or nonchalant I can be.” Honestly, I don’t believe a single word of what you fuckers write. Really, you’ve been thinking obsessively over and about “verb conjugations” and “how to not write expository essays about myself since I finished those self-exploratory college essays asking me to describe my personality in terms of elements from a Hieronymus Bosch painting.” Ummm, I don’t even know how to respond. ORRR their answers are a little too honest or obviously delusional. For example, one person answered “wonderin’ what heaven will be like.” And based on their pictures, I don’t think they’ll be seeing heaven. Maybe the inside of a prison cell for rape, incest, or cannibalism. Maybe, but it’s likely a 92% chance of most definitely. I’ll tell you what I have been pondering for a while. It is nothing substantial or exhilarating by any means, but it needs to be asked.  

If the gods at Crayola were to name a crayon "yolo" what color would that crayon be? Here are my theories... Shit I just got my period red, Cee Yolo Green, hey I was going to eat that blue, Sharknado grey, please do not feed the animals brown, do these pants make me look fat denim, I got blackout drunk again purple, bought a sports car welcome to my quarter life crisis black, I'm not too old to dress like this pink, ironic mustache sepia, etc. Anyways moral of the story is why make one "yolo" crayon when Crayola can release an entire box of "yolo" colors. I mean think about it. It is kind of genius. Most crayon colors are just an adjective plus a basic color. And there are what, like 12 traditional colors? You just need two hats, some of your drunk slutty friends, and some pens for those whores to write down their "adventures" onto slips of paper. The 12 basic colors will be put into one of the hats and the other hat will contain the tramps' biggest regrets. Finally, the art director or project manager will draw a slip from each hat and Bam! A new “yolo” Crayola crayon is born. Like the classic color, “I hope that bump isn't a herpes peach.”